To Have and To Heal
by JesseEssence
Summary: Love is a terrible thing to waste.


Leaning against the porch banister of the wrap around porch in the front, he only stared at her before looking back down.

"They say nothing lasts forever." He explained staring crossing his arms.

"They also say that some people are meant to be."

"Guess we weren't." He smirked then slightly frowned looking forward.

Zara gazed down and then walked down the balcony to the garden.

"Way to make someone feel better." She whispered to herself.  
"Well, what was I supposed to say?" He asked following behind her.

"You're supposed to say, yes maybe we weren't meant to be but maybe we were?"

She said while turning around and gazing right into his eyes.  
"I didn't know there was a script." He spoke softly staring into hers.

"There isn't, I was just expecting it." She said while gazing back into his, falling into his eyes.  
His eyes began to grow soft, and they stared into hers.

"I'm sorry I didn't get that right either."

"Maybe I'm just the kind of person who expects too much."

She said while swinging her leg around the other.  
"Or maybe, I just can't be perfect for you." He said turning his head looking from her.

"Weirdly enough, every guy said that to me." She said while gazing up trying to hold back tears.  
"Then, I guess that means I'm just like every other guy." He said and nodded slowly.

He looked down and played with his fingers. "Maybe I should go."

"Go?" She said while pulling him to her. "I don't want you to go." She said while gazing up at him. "Please, don't go."  
He swallowed hard and looked from her, his breath getting uneven feeling himself trying to not break down in front of her. She turned his head to hers

"Look at me, and tell me straight to my face that you don't want or love me anymore."  
His eyes were sensitive telling that he was upset. His chest moved up and down slow but rough. He looked down, and put a hand over his eyes.

"You know I can't do that." He explained. "It's hard to even look at you and not take you straight into my arms and take you upstairs...not to have sex but just to look at you and let you know how beautiful you are."

He sniffled a minute, and cleared his throat and lifted his head and looked away. Zara looked at him and grabbed his hand.

"Please... I want to be swept off my feet. I want you to do it."

She said while looking into his eyes and feeling a tear drop onto her t-shirt, she wanted him to take her - take her and be the romantic she knew he was.

"I need to know, my heart needs to know."

She said while feeling her eyes tear up more than ever. He froze and swallowed hard once again.

"I can't." He whispered.

He exhaled deeply with a groove in his breath knowing his was holding back tears.

"I-I, I need some air."

He said pulling from her slowly and heading outside onto the porch. Zara looked outside while sat down. She breathed heavily, 'great' she thought while gazing down at her mobile. 'No texts.' She then stood up and walked outside.

"I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry. I said things maybe I shouldnt've." He said looking towards to the sky. "I just, I don't know what it is about you because I can't seem to forget you."

"I'm sure when you find your new girlfriend; I'll be easy to forget." She said while looking at him and smiling. "I might be amazing right now, but you're going to find someone that's more amazing than me."  
He stared over at her with his ice cold blue crystal eyes.

"No, no." He said repetitively.  
"Then why? I need answers." She said with a tone to her voice

"You know why." He stood straight up and turned his head towards her.  
"Because I'm a girl? Because I get jealous. Believe me I have really learnt my lesson now."

She said while rolling her eyes, feeling her heart ache.  
"No, because I'm still in love with you!" He yelled breathing heavy, and then took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I yelled...I lost control. I'm sorry."

Her eyes widened as she was taken back with the yelling.

"I...I..." She was shocked into what had just happened.  
"I'm sorry - really. I-I'm gonna go." He headed towards his truck.  
"Don't go." She shouted while running up to him and jumping onto him, she gazed into his

She placed her forehead onto his, "Don't go."  
Hearing her, he turned and faced her stumbling back a bit resting his forehead against hers.

"It's not about you. It's me."

"It's not about you it's me? Can you do that line anymore? I hate that line."

She said while feeling herself getting rejected again. "I understand, if you must leave for yourself."  
He stared over at her.

"I got into some bad habits and I think I should go before things get bad. I already yelled." He explained. She glared at him.

"Bad habits? What's that worse that you could do?" She said while glaring at him, he couldn't of changed so fast…but she could remember how angry he used to get. He started to feel his hands twitching.

"No, I-I."

He sighed and unbuttoned the sleeve of his shirt and then pulled at it growing nervous. He pulled the sleeve down and started to pull off his button up shirt and flipped over his arm showing marks of needles in the pivot of his arm. Zara glared while looking at his arm.

"What? What have you been doing you stupid man."

She said while pushing him punching his chest gently while feeling a tear roll off her eyes. "What have you done?" She said while continuing to get out of control.  
He felt her hit him and push and shove him.

"I had nothing!" He shouted. "I have no-thing."

His voice cracked and the tears finally fell. The tears from the heartache, the stress. He grabbed her by the wrist gently trying to control her. She looked at him and started to cry.

"I was lonely, I had nothing but I didn't need to turn to anything like that."

She said while crying knowing that he was hurting himself, he wouldn't be able to stop.  
"Well, I guess I'm not as strong as you then. I was scared, and alone…this - is all I had."

He teared up and slid down the side of his truck and swallowed hard. Zara slid down next to him. She then looked at him.

"I want to help you; I promise I will always be here to help you."

She said while swallowing hard, it was going to be a challenge but she knew he was worth it. He shook his head.

"I don't want you a part of this. These are my troubles." He whispered.

He wasn't just a laid back addict. No, he was an angry addict if he didn't get what he wanted, he'd yell, and get completely angry. Sometimes, it even got abusive, and he'd never want to hurt her. Zara wasn't leaving him to do it alone.

"I REFUSE to let you do it alone." She said while wiping her eyes, "I don't care if you get side effects, I love you. I love you so much that I don't want to leave you."

She said while grabbing onto his hand and cupping it into both of her hands.  
"You don't understand. Yelling is just the beginning. It gets worse." He looked over at her. "The only way it could happen is if you locked me in a room for good."

Zara kissed his lips gently.

"You speak too much." She said while looking at him. "You cannot give up, I refuse to let you."

As her lips touched his, and for the first time he felt his heart melt and drop into his stomach. He stared at her.

"I already gave up..."

He reached in his back pocket and pulled out his wallet and listened to the Velcro pull apart as he opened it. Reaching in his wallet he grabbed the ring he had gave her. Zara saw the ring and felt her heart drop.

"What's this?" She said while keeping her eyes on the ring and then gazing back up at him. "I can't see you like this, I can't." She said while looking into his eyes and then started smiling, just seeing him.  
"This was the ring, for the 'I do's'" He said with small smile from the corner of his lips. "I can't even see myself this way." He explained. "A monster in the mirror."

Zara gazed at him while looking down blushing.

"What are you trying to say?" She said while rubbing his back gently. "We can do this, we can. I can take the mood swings; I can take everything because I love you."  
"Remember, we were going to get married. You tossed the ring at me, and I kept it." He sighed softly and then looked over at her. "You mind if we go inside. I think I need to lie down."

"I remember all of that... saving the ring?" She said while looking at him. "Come on then, let's go inside and I will get you tucked into the bed."

She said while picking him up and taking him in. She couldn't believe what he'd done, he was lonely but so was she. Jesse nodded.

"I couldn't get rid of it. I had to keep it."

He held his head a bit draping an arm around her shoulders holding himself up heading towards the house. He didn't know how he was gonna beat this - he was completely hooked but he was willing to stop or at least try - for her. She gazed at him when he started to talk about the ring.

"Shhh, stop talking." She said because she didn't want his blood to start boiling, especially since she knew what he was like, if he got angry. She took him up the stairs and laid him down in the bed tucking him in. "Get some rest, please." She said while kissing his lips softly. He stopped as she demanded. He was already beginning to get dizzy. He walked up the stairs with her help of course and the banisters. He laid on the bed after kicking off his shoes. He looked terrible - he was semi-pale, dark circles under his eyes and full on weak. He needed to shave. Not the clean cut prince he used to be. His eyes were beginning to droop. Rest she said, something had hadn't had much of in months. As she kissed him, he stared at her and spoke softly.

"Thank you."

As she closed the door behind her, she felt her lip start to tremble.

"Don't cry, don't cry."

She said while walking gently down the stairs and onto the balcony. She sat outside and was swinging back and forth on the balcony chair letting the air get into her face and blow her hair around. Why did she leave him? Jesse wasn't suicidal. He had everything at one point then nothing the next - and no one at that. He was already sound asleep. For a while. It went well but his body trembled -the cravings were kicking in. 'Fight 'em' He told himself. He closed his eye tight and tried to continue to sleep. The cravings for addicts who were trying to quit was like not eating for three days hearing the rumbling of your stomach ring in your ears making you sick/nauseas. It felt like a raging fever that wouldn't go away until you took medicine and in this form - heroine was the medicine to this flu. He sat straight up and rubbed the back of his neck that was burning up.


End file.
